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Tech details after the break!
As it turns out, this is due to the WebKit engine that the Epiphany browser has been ported to. It's wanting to gear-up on IPv6 while my network only groks IPv4.
After making appropriate sacrifices to the Google oracle, it turns out there's a handy way to disable IPv6 in the newer versions of the Debian OS. Once that was addressed, Epiphany turns into the speed-demon it has always been. Fully awesome, all the way down to the bits on the bus. ::airguitar::
Now, one day in the far future, when IPv6 becomes the mainstay of addressing the nodes of the interwebs, I'll go in and re-enable the feature and bask in Debian's awesomeness again. In the meantime, I'll be riding copper using the IPv4 protocol. Hell yeah!
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